That’s How it Starts…
That’s how it starts, you for the first time come face to face with the realization of existence of your own demons. You have looked inside before that too but it was passive, you are witness to all that was happening. How you were experiencing the world both within and without, but never viewed from the sense of inquiry. Probably you didn’t know it could be subjected to an inquiry, you thought it was organic complex but natural process so was not as important, going to school was important, meeting friends, playing and chilling out was important.
Then when an appropriate time arrives and your inherently curious mind out of a quest to experience something new, regardless of how dark it’d get, finally gathers the self-confidence and the much needed courage of perseverance to look in and start analyzing. Maybe you were too fed of the sane systematic and measured world out side and have been coming to often on the shore of this silent sea. And you didn’t even realize before you have already jumped in.
Though you come back to shores after a good swim and a few dives yet sea keeps calling. You start looking at it, analyzing meticulously through each variable- time, money, probability, chronology, ideologies, science, philosophy, evolution, evolutionary psychology, religion, etc.
You spend years doing that and gradually merge in to the second stage of living and continuously tackling your demons, building tactical strategies to at least rewire your own self so as to mitigate the affect. Life on the other side to goes on at it’s own pace- sometimes dead slow and some other overwhelmingly fast. Years pass by, you locate and relocate not just physically but internally too. Many things change but slowly but surely you come to see that many have not and it feels a bit warm but also a bit burdened.
You realize in between that now as you are growing old, growing up was not that confusing as it felt at that time. You were tackling it not exceptionally but as good as any average Joe would and now for long have spared and invested a good amount of time and resources to look not just inside but also into the world and existence beyond. So though you may not be at the top of what you could have been but you are at least doing what you wanted to do both professionally and casually.
Time moves on as it always does but you get in to a habit of living across the time, carrying sum-total of everything you have been. All inferences that you derived from the years of analysis. It keeps you aware and strong enough. There’s still a lot to come so there’s at least a weekly stock taking of the issues of self, which no longer matter and which can’t be ignored. There are no tight rules but makes things efficient.
And again years later you one day realize you have slowly moved into the next phase that is off resolving the demons (you also come to realize that they have an existence beyond you so they aren’t just your demons). You have been going back and forth and you don’t remember properly exactly how but you realize some of the demons have resolved and there’s just one decade left to be resolved.
What after that, I’m not sure, may be this would be an unending spiral. By the time I resolve the back logs new issues would arise and the cycle would continue. Maybe PEACE would eventually dawn. Not that I’m not as peaceful as I’d have liked to be for now….
